The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare ... an awesomely entertaining load of old rubbish.
Guy Ritchie's heroes gun down half the German Army and most of the Navy, but it's all in the name of jolly good fun.
This movie is set in World War Two, right? So it’s okay to mention Adolf You-Know-Who … (some platforms get a bit squiffy about talking about Adolf H.) Damn it, I’ll take the plunge, I’m talking about Hitler. For the moment — bear with me.
Hitler was undoubtedly the biggest monster in history. Sure, there were some other pretty nasty chaps over the millennia, like Ghengis Khan, Attila the Hun, maybe Barry Manilow, but the Nazi’s reign of atrocities was on an unprecedented global scale. However, I can say that Hitler gave the world one useful thing — no, not the Volkswagen.
He gave writers of books, TV shows and films the perfect, politically correct villain for a hundred years — and we’re already close to that benchmark. Raiders of the Lost Ark anyone? What about the stormtroopers in Star Wars? And it doesn’t need a close look at Darth Vader’s coal-scuttle helmet to figure out the influence behind that.
Even the very worst of dastardly despots, when they get their comeuppance at the end of a story, can sometimes elicit a wince from the audience and the thought, That’s gotta hurt. But if someone points out, “Hey, they’re Nazi’s” then it’s all good. Carry on, as you were.
Which is why Guy Ritchie easily gets away with his heroes in The Ministry… shooting, knifing, stabbing and even axing countless Germans as they strive to pull off the impossible mission. If you’re worried about such violence, by the way, don’t be. It’s not that graphic. Think Cocaine Bear meets Hogan’s Heroes.
Our intrepid commandos are tasked with sinking a vital, German supply ship that’s moored in a neutral harbour, which means the mission is off the books, off the radar, off just about everything. Even the British might arrest the team, if they get caught. Winston Churchill gets a part — suffice to say I’ll quote my wife saying, “Really? Is that supposed to be Winston Churchill?” The actor looks closer to Wilson in Castaway than the legendary PM of Great Britain.
Of course, there is also a beautiful female spy whose role is to seduce the particularly unpleasant Nazi commandant of the harbour. Fortunately for her, it never has to go that far, and (spoiler alert) ultimately she leaves him breathless in not quite the way he was hoping. Don’t worry, he’s a Nazi, remember?
In the movie’s climatic ending, the commandos are blowing up lots of stuff, sinking lots of stuff, and doing lots of stuff to lots of stuff that somehow results in more explosions — oh, and shooting a zillion bad guys with ridiculous skill and an alacrity that defies even The Cisco Kid at his very best (some readers may have to Google that).
Is it all a bit silly? Kind of over the top? Slightly far-fetched? How about really far-fetched? It’s all of that, and at the same time The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare is a fun, often funny, adventurous romp with lots of pithy, British humour (“Would you mind removing the nipple clamps, old chap? The battery is still attached”) and lashings of ginger beer — sorry, I meant gratuitous violence — that will definitely keep the whole family entertained … well, it’s not kid’s movie, but it’s not just a bloke’s film. Besides, it stars Henry Cavill. How can you go wrong?
Pass the dynamite, old chap. Those rotten Huns are getting away.
***
I’ve written my own novel where things don’t work out too well for a platoon of German solders. It’s not humorous though, it’s a horror novel called Footprints in the Snow. There’s a snow storm, a haunted abby, some suspiciously unflappable nuns, and some pretty damned scary things happening that are a lot more frightening than the war outside the forbidding walls. Check it out HERE. It’s available as a paperback, ebook, audiobook, and all that again in the collection called Three Creepy Tales.
FELICES Y GRACIAS EL MINISTERIO DE GUERRA